Cancer – A New Journey

New Entry:   For most current entry – scroll to the bottom.  

1st entry.  Cancer – Friend or Foe?  June 2011

Cancer knows no boundries.  It makes no difference if you are young or old; adult or child, male or female, tall or thin, short or fat.  It cares not what race or creed your are.

I am sitting in the specialists office watching Chemo run through my loves veins for the 1st time.  I am struck with the fragilness of life and how much we take for granted.  backing up to six weeks ago life was good.  he and I have lived a fairy tale life together for 43 1/2 years.  he is my beloved and I am his. There was never any doubt even as a young girl that somehow & someway we would be together.  We were married in 1967.  he was 25 and I was 19.

Six weeks ago he called me into the bathroom while he was shaving.  ” Look at this spot”  he said pointing to the left of his neck. ” It looks to me like a bite”  I was not sure about that but we agreed to watch it.

In just a few days ti was larger so the doctor was called.  Tests were ordered, sonograhm, x-rays, cat scan. They revealed three tumors in the lymph node in his neck.

Biopsy was done on Monday,  Tuesday confirmed Cancer.  YIKES !!!!

We were told it is thought to be 4th stage lung cancer.   Prognosis depends on the rest of the tests of the brain, the throat and more tests.  If it is contained to where we know it is now, the lung, the neck lymph node and a node just under the liver, prognoses will depend.  It will depend on how his body responds to treatment.  If it response well then the cancer will be controllable and manageable for some time.  That was not what I wanted to hear.

Everything within me whats to hear, it will be gone forever, and ever and life will go back to being wonderful again.

I was all right until I woke up in the middle of the night and heard my loves  slow steady breathing and thought; would I grow old with that sound from him next to me?   It was then I began to shake uncontrollable inside, unable to move with an overwhelming unbelievable suppressing fear like I have never known before.  I stayed that way until I finally fell asleep hours later.

 

Still June 2011

My dear friend Ruth called with support.  I can not remember which night she called but that does not matter.  Ruth is a dear friend who is a cancer survivor, 12 yrs now.  So she has been more than there.  Her three children were very small when she first found out about the breast cancer that could have taken her way from them.   The story is long and it was a hard road for her but she survived and now it was so good to hear her voice of comfort.  She has a saying that will now become mine too:

” God gives me all the grace I need for today,  but not for my imagination”

My soul and spirit cry out YES,  so true.  We do not have the grace to go to the what if’s or our imagination.  What a gift, so precious.  I will try to take one day at a time and not imagine anything but living for today and enjoying every moment.

Thursday, June 24th 

Today was such a long day, pre-surgical testing, test, and more tests.  I brought snacks with me to eat but once home in the late afternoon I forgot to eat anything.  Not a good thing to do with low blood sugar.  Got up around 12:30 at night and passed out in the small laundry room off the kitchen.  Not a good thing to do.  Bruised my sacrum, right hip and man does my head hurt.  So I am the one who is suppose to be looking out for my husband and his care and now I need care.  Oh Dear.  I need to take better care of my self.

 

Friday, June 25th 

We started the day off with good news.  The MRI of the brain shows NO CANCER,  Praise God

Off to more test for the day, same day surgery to see if there is cancer in the bronchial tubes.

 

Friday night entry

Good news NO CANCER in the bronchial tubes, although they did send away samples to make sure.

Now we will try to enjoy the weekend and wait for Monday’s test for the Larynx to make sure there is no cancer there.

 

Saturday, June 25 2011

Cancer does not make God bad!!!!.   God is good all the time through everything.  Some people have a hard time with that but it is true.  God’s word is truth, He is truth.  There have been many times when I have heard people say ”  If God is so good why did I loose my son, my husband.  Or why did this or that happen.  They just can not pull themselves away from self.    We were made for God not for ourselves.  Bad thing happen because they do and it is just apart of life, accept it and get on with it.  God is good all the time.  If God wanted to make us obedient without issues He could have made us robots.  Instead He gave us the right to choose, right or wrong, to make mistakes, to grow by making us in His image with the right to know Him, to love Him and to serve Him.  Not because we have to serve Him but because we love Him and want to serve Him.

It is quite simple,  Repent, turn from our ways and serve and love Him.  HE LOVE US – He Died for Us.  God is good all the time.   There are some guarantees in life but not many.   We are guaranteed salvation and an eternal home if we believe, repent and turn from our own ways and follow him.   He also said He would never leave us or forsake us.   He never promised us an easy life, an easy road with everything we want, just the way we want.   Read the book and know what they are and believe, have faith, follow Him.  Rejoice in God and who He is and what He has done for us out of Love.

No matter what happens we can always Rejoice in who God is and what He has done for us!

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

A pretty normal day, church, lunch and home to relax.  YEA

 

Monday June 27, 2011.

Larnxoscopy to see if there is any cancer in the upper throat area.  I was able to stay while they did the painless exam.  NO CANCER in the throat.  Praise God.  I am so relieved.

 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

We both went to work early and worked full days.  It was good to be back to work and feel like life was normal although it is far from the normal pace we once new.

 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011.

My husbands blood count is very low and only a half treatment of Chemo could be done.  The tumors on his neck have noticeably gone down in size.  Praise God.

 

Thursday, June 30th.

A very long day,  Radiation this morning and the pre surgical prep and same day surgery for a biopsy of the nodes just to the left of the liver.  The needle biopsy had to go though the liver.  We arrived home 6:15 pm.  A very long day.

 

Friday July 1st.

Radiation at 7:15 then 8:45 prep and 9:45 port will be put in during same day surgery.  I am hoping all goes well, no delays an we can get home early.

 

Just 30 days till out 44th wedding anniversary.  Oh how I am hoping he will gain his strength and this cancer will go away, far far away for good.  This is my only prayer, health and cancer free.  Nothing else matters but my love to be with me together growing old, enjoying our children and their families, grandchildren and Isabelle our little Great Granddaughter.

 

Thursday, June 30, 2011.

Left the house at 10am this morning and her I sit waiting in the same day surgery waiting room again.  This time is scary, no one is with me, the waiting room is pretty empty and I hate the unknown results.

Guy, my love is having a needle biopsy of the cancer that is just to the left of the liver.  Thank God it is not in the liver and i pray and hope it stays out of it.  Please dear God let the Cancer shrink and go away forever, please.

I was able to go and sit with him for a while, his surgery has been delayed for a while.  Then they finally came for him at 1:40 and here I am sitting waiting.  I can not help by worry.  He is the love of my life and I don’t want to loose him, no yet.  Think positive!  You can do it.  Think positive!

Ok so where the heck is he.  No one has come to see me and it is 3pm.    I guess I will read another book.  Walk a little and wait.  Waiting in nerve racking.

This has been some day.  We came home at 6 pm.  I am beat.  Our son has been out looking for work and thank God he came down for the last hour that we were here.  I thought I would loose my mind from trying hard not to work.  The nurse said they never took him in until after 3pm due to an emergency.  It would have been nice for them to take one minute and have someone come tell me that.  At least it is over for now.

 

Friday, July 1, 2011.

Started the day at a Radiation treatment 7:15 am.   Then to registration again and same day surgery 8:45.  This time they took him on time. 9:45 on the dot.   Thanks God our son is here waiting with me, keeping my mind off of another day at the hospital.   It was still long but we were home sometime after 3pm.  I am beat and all I want to do is go to sleep next to the one I love and have someone tell me this is all a bad dream.

 

Saturday:  July2, 2011

Guy is beat today from the last two days treatments yet he insisted on getting up early and going to see the balloon fest for a little while.  So up we got and out we went.  I am glad we went, it was a beautiful day and we were home by 8am.    Guy went to bed and took a nap for a few hours.  He is drained today and very tired.  I can not help by worry about him.  He does not have any appetite.

We will stay home tomorrow from church since his blood count is very low and he can not be around people who might have germs, cold etc.

He is hoping to go to work on Tuesday but I am not sure about that.  I pray that our Mighty God, Yahweh will help him to sleep good and heal.  Lord please drive his blood count up and the cancer away.

 

Saturday – July 9, 2011

A whole week has passed and now we are at the weekend again.   Guy worked a whole week this week.  He was unable to have a Chemo treatment due to the low blood count.  Hopefully they will give him something to help this come up.

Received good new on Tuesday,  the results from the biopsy reveled NO Cancer.  Awesome, Praise God.  We are more than delighted.   Doctors say either the cancer was there and the chemo made it go away or they were wrong but the PET Scan showed cancer.   Praise God for healing this area.  He is the nightly healer.

We have settled down into a routine of Radiation treatment 5 days a week and Chemo 1 day a week if his blood count is high enough.

My only prayer is for healing.  My hearts desire if for our mighty God Yahweh to heal my husband complete.  Allow us to grow old together through the years ahead.

Praise God!  He is our portion and hope forever.

 

July 25, 2011

Wow, where has all the time gone.  We are still in the same place as the last time I added comments to this post.  That is not bad but the wait if frustrating.

Guy has not been able to have Chemo treatments since his blood count is still low.  Last time it was up a bit but not enough.  Thursday will tell if he can have it or not.  I hate the thought of that drug going through his body killing everything bad and good in its path.  I just keep praying that our Might God will be merciful and heal him.   He is the love of my life and I just

want him to be well.

 

July 30, 2011

Happy Anniversary Honey.   44 years together.  I am so blessed.   At the same time I am afraid to think beyond today.

 

August 5, 2011

Life is full and busy.  Radiation therapy is done thank God.   Chemo will continue every week and so far Guy is doing great with it.  He had a treatment yesterday and is at work today.   We will keep praising God and keep praying for the best outcome.  We now have our son and his wife and their family staying with us for awhile until they can get into their new home in NJ.  They will only be about 2 hours away and that is a good thing.   Life had ups and downs but God is good!

 

September 13, 2011

So where are we now.   My love is done with the radiation treatments ahead of schedule.  They made him worn out and extremely tired.   He is currently having Chemo treatments every third week, which is a great blessing.   He has about three days of not feeling good but he is amazing and is still working a full time job.    He only missed the Chemo day from work.   Recent X-ray came back good, not sure what that means but he will have another PET scan in a few week.  Until then we are continuing to pray that the scan will be clear and he will be cancer free.

That isn’t to say that it will still be possible for the cancer to return but we are praying it stays away for good.   If not we will take one day at a time as we are not.

So remember, nothing is guaranteed in life.  Enjoy your loved ones, friends and family.  Do not take anything for granted.   ENJOY,   ENJOY,  ENJOY.   Do not sweat the small stuff.  It really does not matter.  Enjoy what matters the most!.
I promise to update everyone as soon as anything changes.   Thanks for all your prayers and concern, it is greatly appreciated.

 

 

New Entry:  October 24th, 2011

Wow,  it is October already and we are more than half way through.  It is a nice time of the year but I don’t look forward to the next wintery one .

Well,  I have some good news to share.   My husband Guy just had another PET Scan,  while the cancer is still there it is significantly decreased.  Praise God we are rejoicing in that.     He has started a new treatment which is only one hour every two weeks.   If there are not major side effects this new treatment will stop the cancer cells from getting any blood flow.   Another good thing,  no blood flow means they can not live.

SO we are very thankful for this new report .    Still taking one day at a time and giving thanks for each day to our Mighty God.    Each Day is a new day,  no mistakes in it,  His mercies are new every morning.    Thanks you for all your prayers and please keep praying for healing.    Thanks

 

November – Birthday and Thanks giving.  

It has been some month, a good one at that.  First time in 10 years that all the kids and grandchildren were together to celebrate.   My love turned 70, no one can believe it.  All you have to do is look at him.  He is trim and slim and does not look a day over 50.  Before the cancer he worked out all the time.  Now he is spent and can only do a little.    We surprised him with a 70th birthday party.  What a day.     Snow storm, no power and 20 people coming to surprise him.

Sometime in the night we lost power and he was called in to work to start a generator.   My birthday project for him was not done.  Each time he was called in to work I would run into my work room and try to finish it by flashlight.   Had to do that several times through the night.    I made him a photo book with his favorite colors.  The book is based on the Fruits of the Spirit.  Each page has a scripture of one of the Fruits of the Spirit and photos to go along with it as well as how he manifest that character to me and our family.

Daylight and still no power.   Now I am nervous.  I can not reach the place that is preparing the food.  people are arriving.  Oh my.   Finally the restaurant calls. No power there either but they have power at their home.  The menu is changed and we will have food eventually.

Poor Guy,  every time he came home he would be called out again.  Each time he came home he vaguely realized there were more people here.  Finally our son and family arrived and he knew something was up,  but had to leave again.  Duty calls.

We did manage to steel him away long enough to have a nice afternoon and evening by candle light and fireplace to celebrate.

We celebrated Thanksgiving in NJ at my Son and Daughter-in-laws home with everyone.  Had a great time with the grandchildren and great granddaughter.  Lots of laughs, fun and food.   I wish it could be this way all the time.

Just getting around to looking at the photos and I can see that while my love had a good time, he is drained and tired looking.   I so long for him to be well.  I would love for him to feel good again, for him.   He is such a wonderful man.
December – WOW 

Where has time gone.  It flies by when there is so much to do.  Work, home, and of course christmas shopping.   Found some great buys on line and that saved lots of time, and free shipping to boot.   I still can not help by worry.  My love takes lots of naps.  He has no energy.  I don’t know how he keeps working.  He is amazing.

His faith never wavered during this time.  He knows that God is good all the time.

February 10, 2012

OMW,  2012 and it is into February already, and still no snow in our part of New York, very weird but nice.  Nothing has changed since the last post.  We are doing well and continuing with the chemo treatments every other week.  Guy is scheduled for the treatments through March.  Not sure what happens then, if enough time has passed to do more tests or not.  Time will tell

March 2012

We are so excited.  We are planning on taking a cruise to the Eastern Caribbean in April.   What a gift to received.  Got to go, lots of plans to make.  Will keep you posted.

 

Eastern Carribean Cruise April 10, 2012 for 12 nights  WOO HOO

Oh my where do I start. It has been 9 years since we had a vacation just for the two of us. Then with the Cancer diagnosis last spring / summer I though we would never be able to go on one.

We were totally blessed with a gift of this vacation, something we could never have afforded to go on now. This was just what we needed. Time to relax in a different environment, totally breathtaking, a time to be totally waited on and spoiled.   I could never tell all that has happened.   Fun, relaxing, beautiful weather.  Striking waters and scene right out of all the magazine that we always wished to see and now they are live right in front of us.  Oh my.

We saw broadway shows just about every night.  Did not have to lift a finger to do a thing.  The best part was getting away together.

WOO HOO

 

May 2, 2012

I realized one very important thing while on this vacation. I had become an extreme worrier. Eeyore, yup that was me. Oh I would smile and try to be me but I was not really me anymore. I let Cancer rob me of my joy, my hope, and just plain fun. I let all the worries all the what if’s take control of my thinking. What if Guy is not healed and I loose him. He is my soul mate how would I survive without him. We have been married almost 45 years. Storybook romance since teens.

You name it and I thought about it. After all the emotional worries of loosing him I would go on to; how will I support myself, where will I live, I will loose the house. OH NO here we go again. I told you I totally worried about everything. Not my hubby, he did not worry about a thing.

Guy has always been blessed with a great sense of humor and a great attitude. He is easy going, laid back, funny guy who makes me laugh. We have been through lots of serious trials during our 45 years of happy married life but nothing has shaken me like the cancer diagnosis, and yet cancer did not change him.

How can that happen, I am a Christian with strong faith for over 30 years. I have learned through every trial that God will always be there for me. He will always provide. I might not have everything I want but He will take care of me and provide the way I should travel.

Well I realized on my first day back to work after vacation that I did not worry the whole time we were away. Not once. So therefore I can control my worry just like the scriptures say.

So my new commitment is to not worry about anything. Take each day as it comes and rejoice in each day. Yes I might have a wonderful day or I might have a sad day but I will rejoice in and give thanks for everything and try to find the good in it.

Two quotes I found while eating Dove dark chocolate squares, my favorite.

” Worry Waste Wisdom”

” Happiness is an inside job”

So come with me on my new commitment to take one day at a time and not worry.

Did you know that 85% of everything we worry about never happens and the other 15% we have no control over at all.

Worry also makes you a drag to be around. I realized I had become a drag. I was too busy letting my mind worry. If all you think about or talk about is, ” What if I loose my job; what if I loose my spouse; how will I live; what will I do; You become what you think, Eeyore.

NO MORE Eeyore for me. It is so much fun to not worry. Freedom is good, worrying is not freedom to be who we were meant to be. That does not mean that you should not be concerned.

In spite of the cancer we are having fun. We are laughing, joking, we are concerned and praying but we will have a good time on this journey. We will enjoy every day we have through every thing God brings our way, that my friends and followers is a choice.

Check out the main blog page for photos of us at St Johns Bay.  Gorgeous place  the carribean is like none in the United States, that is for sure.

 

 

June 18, 2012

Results are in from the latest CT Scan.   We are rejoicing  the 3 tumors that were once in his neck are still gone ZERO.  My new favorite number.   No damage from the Radiation, ZERO.   There is still a very tiny speck of Cancer in the left lung.  So going forward he will continue with the same treatment which is considered maintenance, for another year.

Our biggest concern is the effect of the drugs on Guy’s system.  They cause the broncial muscles to spasm which cause him to cough.  At times the cough is slight but then there are days when it is really bad.  The only way he can get the cough to subside is to lay down and rest.

He also has sores on his toung which make him unable to eat certain foods and he does not have a appetite so I have to make sure he eats.

Please keep him in your prayers.  We are praying for complete healing,  ZERO Cancer.   Thanks so much.

 

July 8, 2012, 

Thanks to our dear sweet neighbors who took us on vacation with them,  we just returned from a week at Lake Caroga in the Adirondack Mountains.  What a beautiful lake and a wonderful restful time.    This was the first time since the Cancer that we were able to take out kayaks out.  We love to Kayak and were out just about every day.   Early morning at dawn is the best time since the lake is like glass.  Not a boat motor boat in sight.  We were very blessed but the trip and were so excited to see the Lune in the lake.  Gorgeous animal.  I also have a photo and will share that as soon as I can.   Although we injoyed our time so very much I noticed that Guy is much more tire.  He has lost weight and seems to be failing some.  He has developed a cough.  Something is different, not sure what.    He just does not have any energy.   A few morning I went in the kayak by myself.  It was wierd but he needed his sleep.   Thanks so much for all your prayers.

 

August 16th, 

Well we spent the week going to three doctors.  Hubby has developed a cough and it is bad at times.  It goes away when he lays down.   Had an Echo cardiogram on Monday and meet with a heart specialist next Friday.    Emergency doctor’s appointment early tomorrow morning, it appears he has a spot in his leg that is bleeding internally.  This is a side effect from the Chemo drug.  Please pray.  Thanks and I will keep you posted.

 

August 22nd:  

We have decided to see a new oncologist with the hopes that the cough issue will be addressed.  Although the other Oncologist is very good we want to try to pursue other avenues of treatment.

First meeting was last Tuesday and it went well.   Life is such a challenge but always good,  it may not be what we want but God is always good.

Had a great time in NY City today.  Leighann, her mom and Guy and I took the train down.  We were treated to a wondering broadway show of Circus De Sole.  Amazing creative dancers, acrobats, trapeze artist.  Totally worth seeing.  My love has always wanted to see them.    He enjoy the show but was really in pain and the cough really bothered him.   At times I wondered if we were going to get him home.    He is tired.   Cancer has aged him.  I am worried.

September 3rd. 

Not much to update at this point.   The leg issues is ok now.  We did not meet with the Heart specialist.  His primary wants him to see a different doctor so that appointment has been pushed to Sept 18th.   Have another appointment this Wednesday with the new Oncologist and hoping that will shed some light on the situation.     However,  since he has not had a Chemo treatment in 4 weeks his cough has subsided significantly.  So maybe it is a side effect from the Chemo.  Poor man still can not chew food good and has no appetite.  We are still truly bless to have more time together and if you saw him you would not know there is anything wrong.   It truly is in God’s hands and we must continue to pray.   Thanks

 

September 14th 

Scary day.   Guy came into the office to see me.  He was totally out of breath.  All he did was walk down the hall to his van to get a screwdriver.  This is not good.  He was tired and decided to go home and take a nap.   A few hours later I called him at home thinking he was probably awake.   He answered the phone and was out of breath.  I asked what he was doing and he said just laying on the cough and sat up to get the phone.  RED FLAGS.   Called his doctor and was told to get in to the hospital asap.

Yikes,  left work, I am only just under 5 miles from work.  He promised to lay down and not move.  Once there I told him what the doctor said.  He agreed it would be best to call an ambulance.   9 hours in the ER.  They finally moved him to a PCU room for monitoring.  I am home an beat.  Will be back at the hospital tomorrow.  Will update as soon as I can.

September 16th. 

Scared,  my love is failing, family was called.  I am afraid we are loosing him.

September 18th. 

He has made a turn for the better.  Is responding well to new medicine, on oxygen and might be able to come home this week.  Please keep praying.

September 19th 

Wednesday afternoon,  my love is finally home with me.  He looks great and is doing well.  He is on oxygen but can go though out the house anywhere he wants.  He has portable tanks for going out.  He is in good spirits.  I am beat.

September 20th 

He looks so very good today.  He was able to take off his oxygen, shower and shave and make breakfast.   We are now sitting in our shared office.  I am still worried.  I just can’t help it.   All the test that came back say he has what is called Post Radiation Pneumonitis and COPD.  His lung is scarred with scar tissue from the radiation and chemo treatments.  His lung is enlarged and pressing on his heart.  Fluid had developed and all of this was causing the shortness of breath.  5 – 15% of every one who is treated for Breast Cancer and Lung Cancer develops this condition.   It has been along week of test and more tests.  But he is looking good and happy to be home.

 

He is having his PET Scan tomorrow at 3:15.  It is a 3 hour thing.    Head to toe to try to see where the cancer is.  I am scared to know in some ways but we need to know.   It is hard watching him go downhill.   He wants to do stuff and thinks he can but he really can’t.

Every morning after the alarm goes off for the past 45 years he comes over to my side of the bed,  kneels on the bed and wraps his arms around me.   Tells me how much he loves me.   This is how I have started my day, even when he was not feeling well, he never missed a day.  Yesterday when I unloaded the car with groceries he sat at the dining room table with tears running down his eyes because he could not help me.  It’s a beautiful thing and at the same time  my heart aches for him.    Yet through everything we are truly blessed.

Just this morning he laid down on the couch and  he said he could not  believe how much God continues to bless us with help through so many people.  He has never questioned why me, never gotten mad, cancer has not changed him.    He wants so very much to live but at the same time he knows it will be ok either way.    I am not as strong as he is,  maybe it is the emotionalness in me.  Most days I watch him sleep and have to fight the tears away.    I cannot imagine life without him.

We were close before the cancer but are even closer now.  So it is a beautiful thing and I will just take one day at a time and hope for more days, more years, and continue to praise our mightily God.

September 20th. 

It is very late and I am not able to sleep.   Earlier tonight while I was making dinner my love called me over to the couch to share something he was reading.   The gospel of Mark- Chapter 9:1

” And He was saying to them, ” Truly I say to you, there are some of those who are standing here who shall not taste death until they see the kingdom of God after it has come with power”  He had a look like he was looking passed me to someplace else.  Then he broke down crying.

I reached over and placed my hand on his hand and asked him, ” Honey when did you see when you read that passage”?

He replied, ” I see the kingdom of God as It is and will be”

A pot started boiling over on the stove and I ran to shut it off.   I glance back at him and he had his head back and eyes closed.   As I went to the sink I had a thought that God was going to take him home soon,  a chill, but peace.   Neither of us said a word.

We went to bed, slept for a while and my love woke up gasping for breath.  He has pulled his oxygen tube off.   I was able to get it back on and get him calmed down.  He held my hand for a while and then fell asleep.   He is sleeping peaceful now but I can not sleep.  I can not shake the feeling I had earlier.  It is a preminition that I do not like.  I wish we had talked more.

 

September 22, 2012   

It is with a very sad heavy heart that i must tell you all, my beloved husband Guy passed away last night.  Although he was doing well on the cancer treatment, the a condition called Radiation Pneumonitis took its toll on his heart.   He work up on Friday feeling good.  Had breakfast and then decided to shower and get ready for his Pet Scan.   He called me from the bathroom, he was having trouble breathing.  I grabbed a chair for him to sit in.  Put the oxygen up a little, prayed for him and he calmed down.  His still could not breath good.   He just looked at me and said I think you should call the ambulance.  I ran for the phone, called and waited with him praying.   The EMTs could not get his oxygen levels stabilized.   I arrived at the hospital with dozens of nurses and doctors surrounding him.     Finally he was stabilized and I was able to go hold his hand.   He was agitated and they gave him something to calm him down.  He slept for a long time while I sat besides him.

He never really woke up for long.  Every now and then he would squeeze my hand.  If a nurse came in to take blood or check him, he would open his eyes and say, I am fine.

Unfortunately the condition was  causing extreme pressure on his heart. His heart was restricted from beating correctly. His resting heart rate was almost double the rate it should have been upon resting. In the end the nurses and doctors at St. Francis hospital did everything they could to make him survive. I was with him and held his hand and head against my chest stroking his head in the last hours of his breathing on his own.  At some point he squeezed my hand and  peacefully slipped away to his eternal home.

I thank you all so very much for your support with emails and prayers. My husband was a wonderful man, one of integrity and a great sense of humor that will always be with us. He had a very strong faith and that did not change with his cancer. He was the love of my life, my soul mate. We both new at a very early age we were meant for each other. Although we had trials and tribulations along the way we shared a fairy tale love beyond anything I could have ever asked for. We have a wonderful family filled with much love and have enjoyed many good times together. He will be greatly missed by all who knew and loved him.   I will forever be broken hearted.

 

October 19, 2012 

I has been 4 weeks since my beloved husband passed away.  I can not believe it has been this long and yet my heart is broken in a way that seams like forever.   This morning I was cleaning out my little night stand next to my side of the bed.   I have a heart shaped box there with notes from my hubby.   A long time ago he started writing me little love note.  Some very simple with just the words, I Love you.   Some little poems with a twist of an old poem he changed just for me.    One he left at work for me on my desk one day.  ” Your are my sun shine, My only sun shine?   Which was something he always sang to me.   Then there are others that are more in-depth telling me what a precious gift from God I am to him.   Some more personal and cute.

I have not opened the box in a very long time, except to put the last known note I knew about,  You are my sunshine etc.    This morning I found 5 notes, possible all written around the same time.  I have no doubt they were written this last year together, probably since the cancer.   The ink is very black and very fresh, which tells me they are not very old.

So I read them and I wept for my joy and my great loss.  Writings I will never part with,  words telling me what I meant to him.  Sentences explaining an in-depth love with scriptures woven through out from the Song of Solomon.   OMW,  my heart was grieved and broken before and now all I can do is cry.   Reminders of a great love, truly blessed by God for 45 years.   Part of me says,  how can I go on without him.   Part of me says,  I will live to make him and God proud.

If only he were here to tell me what do to in some situations.  To hear his voice once again, feel the touch of his hand.   Great grief and pain are only experienced when there is great love.  I am thankful for the great love.  I am thankful for so many things.   Please don’t tell me time will heal.  Please don’t tell me He is with God in a better place.   Please don’t tell me hang on to the memories.   Please just pray for me.  God knows what I need.   God knew I would need to read those notes now and not prior to his passing.  To those suffering I would say,  God is good all the time even when it does not appear so.

People make choices through their lives some good and some not so good.   My love choose to smoke at an early age.  Thank God he quit 30 years ago.   We were able to have precious time together.   His mom and dad both died of cancer.  He made sure he had every screening possible.

Lung Cancer is not screen for unless there is an issue.   I urge you if you were a smoker or are a smoker.  Push to have a screening.  Find out before it is too late.   Nine our of ten people who will be diagnosed with lung cancer will find out too late.  There is no pain or suffering with lung cancer until the final stages.

I am sick of hearing about all the other cancers that kill so many people.   In 2011  38,000 women died of breast cancer.  40,000 people died of colon cancer.  No other cancer was higher until you hit the 157,000 mark, people who died from Lung Cancer.

Just one person to die from cancer is one too many.   Fight for screening to become a norm.  It is estimated that half of those people who died from lung cancer did not smoke.   Come one America  we put men and women on the moon,  we make all kinds of technology.  Lets end Cancer.   Lets not just treat it.  Let find it before it is too late.  Screening is so very important.

 

November 8, 2012 

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and loss.  It started this afternoon on the ride home from a work meeting about an hour from home.   Grief knows no time frame.  It does not care what day it is, where you are or what you are doing.   It can come on a spur of the moment.  A thought that pops into your head or a memory.  Something you see and wish your love could be there to share it with you.   Any number of things can bring it on.   For me it sometimes is just opening the door to  the home.  Home was not always the house I am in now but home was always together no matter where that was.    The house is still, quiet.  There is an old saying,  it is so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

For years he was the one to come home first.  He would always come and meet me no matter what he was doing.  He made sure I knew nothing was more important in this world than me to him.  Now there is no one to great me, take me in his arms and give me a hug and tell me how glad he is to see me.   I miss him so very much.  There is nothing that can be said or done to make it any easier.  I hurt inside and at times it is so very overwhelming.  God says if we cry out to him in our time of need He will fill us with Himself.    I have been praying that He will do just that.  My heart is in a broken state, empty.   I pray that my mighty God Yahweh will fill me with Himself.   His character, His compassion for others.   What ever my lot in life is I pray it will be one that is pleasing to Him.

This is a phase of my life I do not like right now.  I was happy the way it was sharing it with my soul mate, the love of my life.   Then Cancer came along and took it all away.    God is still good.  God is still in control.  For whatever reason He chose not to heal my love here on earth.   I know he is in a far far better place but I wish he was with me.

Please know it does not help to tell me, it will be alright in time.   You will learn to cope.  Remember the love you had and keep the memories alive.  UGHHHHHHHH.  It does not help the grief.  Grief is something you have to experience to get to the other side of you life, back to your new normal.  Grief is something you have to walk through.

Yea though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil.    GOD IS WITH ME.   I just don’t like the grief experience.

Pray for me.

 

 

December 19th

Almost three months and I can not believe it has been that long.  It seams so like yesterday in some ways.  In other ways it seams like it has been forever without my love.   The evenings are lonely.  I find I have to keep myself busy to a certain extent.   Not like running everywhere but just a plan.   A plan to read or study,  watch a movie, visit a friend, laundry,  something.  If I have a plan then it is not quite as bad.   It is also better if I have some music on so the house is not so quiet.   Will I ever get use to it.  I don’t think so.   Just this morning I was on the computer and an add popped up of a couple kayacking and I was in tears.  We loved to kayack.   This is one of those things I can not do alone due to physical issues with my back.

Changes are hard and they can be seen as times of growth.  We grow in many ways.   So I ask myself who do I want to be now that I am alone, without my love.   I don’t have that answer right now.  I am praying that God will give me wisdom and discernment.  I would be someone who would not throw myself into something just for something to do but I would know what I am suppose to do.  What am I suppose to be involved in.

One thing for sure,  I will be involved in educating the public about the need for Lung Cancer Screening.  If my love has a screening years ago the cancer would have been caught in time.

So there is change and I am sure there will be more.  I just hate feeling so lost without him.

Depressed and down at times.   I have to remind myself that with Christmas in just a few days that I need to rejoice.   I need to rejoice in why we celebrate Christmas.   Rejoice in the birth of our Savior.   The greatest gift of all,  a redeemer.  Jesus.  Yeshua, the Christ.

Lord help me to be thankful and rejoice.

 

December 26, 2012 

Christmas was hard but special.  Everyone was here.  It was hard without my love.  Husband, Dad, Grandpa,  Great Pa Pa.   He is so missed.
None of us really had any money to purchase presents for each other.  We made sure the 3 yr old had a good christmas.   The rest of become creative.   One daughter made spa day things for the women.  So adorable.   One daughter made hand sewed bags for the women.   Candy and small gift card for the grandchildren.  With the help of my one daughter I put together a photo book.  My loves photo on the front.  Then through the years from a boy, to a man.  Single, married, family.  A little bit of everything.

One of my 17 yr old grandsons said ” Grandma, this is the best gift I could have ever been given”  While he gave me a big bear hug.

We laughed and we shed tears.   Something I am sure we will do more of.
December 30th 2012 

Two more days and a new year will be here.   I am not sure I want a new year.   I am not sure of anything anymore.   What will this new year bring.  Who will I be.   Those are questions I can not answer.  I am so very sad,  each day seams to be sadder than the one before.  I guess I am in the depressed stage of grief.   I really don’t care about anything and nothing is important right now.  I feel as if I am going through the motions of what I must do but that is it. Hard to explain.

I wish I could have told my dad I understand now.   When he lost mom they had been married almost 60 years.   A whole life time together.  He did not speak if he did not have to for more than a year.   Stopped going out and really did not want to do anything.   I did not understand but I sure do now.    It is so weird that the whole world keeps going on as if nothing has happened.   I want to shout as loud as I can, stop don’t you know I am grieving for my love.  A wonderful magical love lost.   The memories are great but then my heart hurts more and the tears just flow.   I am not liking this stage of grief at all.  I just wish I could blink everything away and bring back my love.

God sometimes I feel like you are very far away and don’t even know my name but I know you do.  I know it is my grief that makes me feel this way.   I am so glad you do,  I am so glad I have you or I would not survive this time in my life.

Remember the song,   Stop the world I want to get off.  or it was lyrics to a song.    Yes,  my heart says,  Stop the world I want to get off.   I want things to be normal again.
Love, Laughter, Smiles,  Hugs,  late night talks, walks in the park,  kayaking down the river, fishing, reading, studying together.   Holding hands as we fall asleep, feeling the beating heart of my love as my head is resting on his chest.   Looking at twinkling blue eyes,  seeing a wonderful smile.  Humor,  oh his humor was wonderful.  He always knew just what to say.  Sharing a meal together.   All the little things.    ”  Be thankful for all the little things, for someday you will realize they are the most important things,  the really big things”
February 11, 2013 

It has been a month and a half since I have written my thoughts here.    I wish I had something wonderful to tell you all.   Life goes on.  I am struck how everything is in the same place.  My husbands clothes, the boots he last wore.  It is true we come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing.  So then why do we have this need to store up so much stuff in America.    God’s word says to lay up treasures in heaven not on earth.   What could those treasure be?   I think they are the kindness, love and help we show to one another.  The relationships we build with our loved ones and friends.   The relationship we build with God, reading his word, letting Him change our hardened hearts and worldly ways so in the end we have changed into His character.   His character will make us into the person we were meant to be.

Those who do not believe in God will just scoff at these words.   In reality we are not made for ourselves.  Those of us who believe in God and His word know that we were made for Him and His Glory.   We were made to be His hands working to help one another.  His words working to bring soothing caring words and sometimes correction in love to one another.  We were made to worship Him.  No other reason.  He is good, He gives us the lives we have here on Earth while He waits for us to come to Him.

February 12, 2013 

Today was a hard day.  I miss my love so much. Another wave of grief came, a thought or a memory.  I am reduced to nothing at these times.  I secretly wish I did not have to grieve and could have gone with him, together.   Some would think those are not good thoughts.  Oh but they are real and necessary to admit to yourself, your true feelings.

I just wish I could have said good bye for now.  I wish I had known our life together was going to end.  I wish for a lot of things but I have to learn to be content in where I am and who I am for now.  I will admit that this is hard.

I don’t want to be alone but at the same time I don’t want to be with anyone else.  Life goes on.  tomorrow I will get up and force myself to exercise, go back to work and smile.  Be kind to those who cross my paths and are in needs of a smile, a caring word, a friend.  In turn I will reap what I sow.  A smile from a co-worker, a caring word from a friend in my time of need.

God is good all the time regardless of my feelings, or thoughts.  For this I know to be true.

February 27, 2013

Why is it that every magazine or commercial I see has a couple doing something fun in it.  They talk about making your dreams happen.   I am down today, all I can think of is my dreams are over.  My dreams were buried with my love.   No more dreams for me.     Not only does your love die but all those dreams you had together, die as well.   The vacation or house project that will never happen.   Just sitting by the fire relaxing talking about your plans.   The things I miss the most are the everyday small thing.  Those small thing are the really big important things.   A hug, kiss, smile, a walk together.

Where do you pick up.  How do you start over.  How do you get to the point where you want to have dreams again.   I know I am not there and I have a long way to go if I choose to be there at all.  I do know it is my choice.    Dreams are not worth having if you can not share them with the love of your life.  My heart is forever broken.

Have you ever broken  a china plate.    Sometimes they break into fragments and can not be glued back together no matter how hard you try.  They are so fragmented they are useless, no form and have lost their ability to be something.

Then there are china plates that break in several good size pieces that can be glued together.   Once glued they can be still used for a display, although you may see the cracks from the fall.

Sometimes my heart feels like the fragmented pieces, useless, no hope, no reason to live.  Dreams gone like a vapor in the wind.    Yet there are other times when I get a small glimpse of it being put back together.  Unlike the display piece the lines can not be seen by others.  Oh but they are there and will be forever.

The scriptures say that if we let Him,  God will make us into His image.  We are a work in process kind of like glueing the plate back together.   Nothing anyone can say or do really helps heal.   Don’t get me wrong,  I need support, friends, family, work.    But in reality only His hands can put my heart back together in a way that the lines will serve a purpose to the good of others, for my good.   ” All thing work together for good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose”.   At this point in my life I can only hope.

March 13, 2013  

God is good all the time.  Do you believe that statement.   I do!    GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
There is no bad in God.

It is man who has a deceitful heart.  Sin is in the world.  We make mistakes and sometime we have nothing to do with what happens to us.   People disapoint us,  people die,  jobs are lost.   It is not God who brings bad in our lives.   GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.

This is one truth that is ingrained in my soul and spirit.   We have expectation as to what we think our live will be like.   Is it the house with the picket fence, family?   Successful career. Growing old with someone you love?  Retirement?   What ever it is, if it does not happen we are likely to blame God.    I firmly believe just like Joyce Myers preaches ”  We have no right to question God’s goodness”.   God sent His Son Jesus to Die for our sins.  God does not have to do anythign else for us ever.  But He chooses to love us,  heal us, give us grace, mercy etc.   God uses all things to the good for those who are called according to His purpose”

God is good.  My heart is healing in a way I did not think possible.  Don’t get me wrong, it is still hard.  I still long for my husband.   I miss him terribly.  I still cry at a special song or just something that happens to pop into my head at a surprise moment, or when I reach for him at night, in my sleep, instintively.    But God is good and He is healing my heart.  I am starting to have hope,  starting to dream  a little.

My hubby painted the basement for me before he passed away.   He was not able to finish it and my daughter and son finished what was left.   Now all we need is to paint the floor.  That will be done in the fall hopefully.  At first I thought,  no, there is not point in finishing it.  Guy is gone,  I don’t think I want to work down there.

One night while reading my bible and praying, I felt God asking me Why Not?    My answer, well I don’t have the money to finish it.   I need an island work table, stools, shelves,  and the list goes on.  Plus we were going to work down there together.  Aha!  that is the real reason.   Hummm.

So at this point I am not sure what to do with the basement but I am open to moving my stuff down that if that happens.   God knows best.   For not I am happy up in my little craft space although I would love to have more room to work.  Time will see.

March 21, 2013 

Two more days and I leave for Vacation to Texas.   My sort of adopted daugher Leighann and I will be visiting her Mom.   Another first,  I have never been away without my hubby.   This time is different.  The firsts are not as hard as they were.   I am looking forward to the time way, the beach at Galveston Island, and spending time together, the three of us.

July 26, 2013 

4 months have passed by already and I can not believe my wonderful hubby has been gone for 10 months.   It seems like an eternity and yet like yesterday.

I am sorry I have not updated this in a while for those of you who still read this part of the blog.   Life has gone on and I have been busy with work.  I still work full time and it is a good thing.   Then of course I have this blog and I try to sell products in the hopes that someday it will be a little bit of a help to me if I ever get to retire.

Life if full, I have great family and neighbors who help to include me in things but life is sad for me.  My heart is sad, it really is forever broken.   I loved my husband so very much and always will.   I know I will survive with God by my side.   It just isn’t fun right now.   Still I have had moments of wonderful memories where I can smile and laugh and remember the fun we had together.

God has continued to bless me abundantly.   I know I need to rejoice but even that is hard at times.

So pray for me please.  Pray for all the people you may know who have lost a loved one.  This is the hardest road I have had to travel in this life.
July 30, 2013 

Today would have been our 46th anniversary.   I will choose to remember all the good times and try not to be depressed.  He is at rest and no longer suffering so I rejoice in that.

Guy was a man of integrity, one who loved God with his whole heart, mind and soul. He read God’s word every morning and every night.   He studied it for the correct meaning of each pasage and cross referenced it with many other comentaries, dictionary and writing by the great bible teachers of our time.    He was not satisfied with what he heard,  he needed to make sure what he heard lined up with the word of God.

He could not wait to met his Savior but he wanted to live.   He made sure that I knew he loved me.  He told me often  ” You are God’s best gift to me”   He made it a point to spend time with me, just he and I together.   He made it a point to make me laugh, hold me when I was sad and tell me it would be ok.   Oh how I miss his presence.

He was an affectionate man who loved hugs,  he was also a funny man with a wonderful sense of humor.   All you have to do is look at our family photos over the years and you will see his antics by himself with someone looking on or with the grandchildren.

Then in other photos you will see the grandchildren doing the same antics as Grandpa was doing in another time and place.  Grandpa holding one of them on his lap while he is talking seriously to someone and they are making faces or doing a grandpa thing.

Priceless memories.  The yearly walk in the first snow; lazy kayack day down the river;  spur of the moment Holy Cow ice cream cone;  watching the moon on a clear summer night; Guy antics to make me laugh.  These are the thing I will let wander into my mind and bring a smile to my face.

I miss you honey!

September 21, 2013 

Today marks one years since my wonderful hubby passed away and went to his heavenly home with our Mighty Lord and Savior.

During this time my heart and soul have ached like nothing I can describe to you.   I have cried many tears and through it all I have learned to lean hard on Jesus and to dig deep into His marvelous word like never before.   I wouldn’t say it has been easy, but God brought me through this incredible difficult first year, and I know for certain that He will be here for me going forward.

I am so very thankful for my God and Savior for providing for me in so many ways,  spiritually, physical, emotionally and financially.   I am so very thankful for all the wonderful family and friends He has placed in my life who love me and continue to pray for me.   I am so very thankful for the memories I have forever in my heart.   I miss my love so very much and always will.  There isn’t a day that goes buy with out a thought of him.

But this I know,  God is who He says He is and He will meet your souls need.

 

Here I am again.   July 13, 2014

God is the very strength of my life.

I am in the second year of life after my hubby’s death and the two year anniversary of his passing is coming up in September. It has been harder because I was in overdrive the first year. Did everything I needed to do, worked lots of hours and tried not to think much. For me reality hits after the fog lifts and I realized when he died our dreams died too. The dreams for our future to retire together and enjoy more family time, to travel. We loved kayaking, fishing or just being together.

Many people say you have to move on, make a new life etc. I have decided that I will not move on. I will go forward in what ever God has for me but I will not move on. There is a difference for me between moving on and moving forward. To me moving forward is taking everything with you, your memories, your feeling, your hopes, your fears and insecurities, who we are. The very essence of our hearts and souls will always move forward in each new day and it will help to shape who we become in the future. Our spouses and other people in our lives helped shape who we are are today. We can never leave that and move on. Moving on to me means leaving it all behind. None of us can leave behind those people who were in our lives and the memories, we are who our past has shaped us to be. Our past will help us to grown in the future. Does that make sense ? Anyway that is where I am. I choose to move forward and take each day as it comes. I work and do what I have to do but that does not mean that I am happy all the time, I am sad mostly and miss my hubby more that words can say. Yes there is some joy but it is fleeting and it is different. My strength and my joy are found in God. He is the one who made me, sustains me and provides all I need. Someday my joy will be complete when we are face to face. Until then I have decided to move forward, just as the sun rises and sets each day. I will rise and face a new day one I hope will be pleasing to Yahweh my God. It is my hope that I will choose to decide each day ” Today is a good day to have a good day?

 

WOW,  TIME FLIES   January 2015.  

November 18, 2014 my son and his family of 6 moved into my small house with me and stayed for just over one year.  Job losses and life issues happen to all of us at one time or another.  No one is exempt from it, that is for sure.  It was a good thing that they were here and it is a good thing they are now moved into a place they rent just about 5 minutes down the road from me.   It is so good to have them close by.   On another note my daughter and her family moved to Pennsylvania this passed summer 2014.  They are only about a hour and 40 minutes from me but still too far as far as I am concerned.  I would love to have them close by again.

I am still sad and I feel like most of my joy is gone but I believe that 2015 will be a better year.  God is good all the time and He knows our needs far before we do.  Sometimes we think we need things and it is really Him that we need a closer relationship with.

God had been so very faithful to me.  In the still of the night when I was fearful being alone,  when my heart and soul ached beyond believe,  I called upon His name.  All I could say was Jesus help me.  That was enough for Him to draw near to me.  At times during my pain I would feel like God was putting a hug of peace all around me and I would peacefully fall asleep.  Sometimes I would just lay in bed and bask in this peacefulness.  If you are a christian and you have been through rough times you know exactly what I am speaking of.  If you are not a Christian you have nothing to loose to give God a try.  If you call upon Him and ask HIm to reveal Himself to you, He will be faithful to do so.

Today is a good day to have a good day.  I will choose to do so no matter what.  God is good all the time.   We sometimes blame God for bad things that happen because we think it should have happened a different way.  God knows best He sees the big picture and we don’t.  Our journey her on earth is to be one  that is pleasing to our God,  to serve Him and one another to the best of our ability until one day we are united with Him.

Thanks for your prayers and following this journey with me.

August 2015 

The summer we waited so long for to come is finally over so very quickly.  Stores are filled with pumpkins and decorations.  Trees are starting to turn, evening are cool, fall is just around the corner.  I do love fall,  I love the colors, the cool crisp air, fall camp fires, s’mores with dark chocolate, or dark chocolate raspberry, is to die for on a marshmallow heated over a fire.  YUM.

I have been busy with home and work, never a dull moment here as I am sure most of you experience in your own lives.  It has been almost three years since my love has been gone.  I still struggle with grief although it is better but not really better.  It only seems better because I have learned how to cope better with my loss.  I have learned how to lean on God more.

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just work every day. Same schedule, long hours. Nights would be preoccupied with getting ready for the next days work and getting chores done. There would be no Friday nights to wish I had someplace to go and someone to go with. There would be no weekends to be lonely for my guy.

Oh there is definitely plenty to do. Lawns to mow, plants to water, windows to wash, house to clean, clothes to wash and iron for work. Lots of projects that need to be completed. Hobbies waiting to be worked on. Books to read, shows to watch, gym to attend, people to visit or call, church to go to, holidays to celebrate, songs to sing. Life does not lack things to do, It lacks a part of me.

In the almost three years since I have seen my guy, hear him laugh, seen him smile, felt his hug, held his hand, I have learned many things. How to take care of things he always did that now I wish I did not have to do. Then there are the things that no matter how hard I try I can not do.

I have learned who really understands my heart and pain. Who remembers to check up on me, who loves me inspite of my sadness and grief. Who still cares and remembers that although I lost a part of me I am still here alive.Who is really a true friend.

Although it is something I have always known, there is truly only one I can depend on. I can not see Him but I can feel Him. I can not hear Him as we hear others but I know His is near. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He will always be with me, never leave me, never forsake me.
forgives me for my shortcomings and failures, rejoices over me with joy, feels all my pain, restores my soul, see all my tears, calms all my fears, pours out His mercy, surrounds me with His peace, loves me unconditionally. A Love like none other. A love beyond anything I could ever hope for. A love so great He gave His life for me.

So although I am lonely for what I have lost and wish it never had to be. I am blessed and God is good all the time.